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Admissions -- Front Door -- Morning
Carla and Turk are coming in.
J.D. sneaks up to the door.
J.D.'s Narration: Turk's relationship is so messed up right now that I decided to lighten his mood. And nothing cracks him up more than the old block-the-door-with-my-foot gag.
With the aid of J.D.'s foot, the automatic door fails to open, and Carla bashes into it. She goes down.
Carla: Ooh! Ow! Oh, oh, okay.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oops. Wrong person.
Turk helps her up and inside.
Carla: What happened?
J.D.: A card musta got stuck. Gotta go!
He takes off.
Turk: Baby, you know how much I care about you, right?
Carla: I'm dizzy.
Turk: Yeah, you're fine. Honey, I know it looked really bad last night, with me and Kevin coming home all liquored up with a really hot chick, but Kevin was freaking out about his divorce and I was just trying to be supportive.
From the front desk, Dr. Cox has overheard this.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, by dragging home some random bar skank.
Turk: Yeah, dude, you're not helping.
Dr. Cox: Not trying to help.
He goes about his business.
Turk: The point is, I have figured out why you're not ready to marry me yet. You think I'm too immature.
Carla: It's not about that.
Turk: Is it my sleep toots? 'Cause, Baby, I will stop having dairy after six.
Carla: I don't know what it is, Turk. Since the moment you asked me, all I wanted to do was say yes. It's just that, every time I try to, something stops me. You just...have to be patient.
Turk: Yeah, about that....
Carla and Elliot are at the bar having a drink.
Carla: So, he just said he was gonna keep asking until I said yes.
Elliot: That was exactly how I lost my virginity. Except, I'm guessing Turk didn't propose in Jim Vilicetti's crawl-space.
Carla's cell phone rings. She answers.
Carla: [into phone] Yes?
Turk's shouting on the other end blares through the phone.
Turk: [from phone] Woo-hoo! You said yes! We're getting married! We're getting married!
Carla: [into phone] Turk. Stop celebrating -- that's just how I answer the phone. ... Honey, it's only been ten minutes since we last talked....
She moves off to talk more privately.
A guy on the other side of Elliot at the bar speaks to her.
Paul: Don't you hate it when people yap away on their cell phones.
Elliot: [curt] She is my friend.
Her tone softens when she turns and looks at the guy. He looks remarkably like Rick Schroder.
Elliot: ...But she is _so_ rude.
Paul: Hey, don't you work at the hospital, too?
Elliot: Yeah. Um...I actually just got off a double shift, that's...why I look so gross.
Paul: You don't look gross. And you know what? You don't even _think_ you look gross. I'm guessing you're one of those girls who uses the self-deprecating thing as a defense mechanism; even though, without looking, you can tell right now how many guys are checking you out.
Elliot: Okay, five.
Paul: No, no. Actually, it's four -- the guy in the mullet, he's checking me out.
They look over at a guy at the end of the bar. He smiles at Paul.
Paul: I let him buy my last two drinks.
Paul raises his glass and smiles at mullet guy.
Paul: Thanks again, cowboy!
Elliot giggles girlishly, then turns to mullet guy and mouths "Back off!"
J.D. and Turk are at a booth, sitting opposite each other.
J.D.: So, what, you're just gonna keep on asking her?
Turk: If you love somebody, you gotta be willing to break their spirit.
The waitress, Jenny, a cute African-American girl, arrives with their food -- a huge plate of fries she sets between them.
Jenny: Here you go, fellas.
Together: Thank you, Jenny.
She smiles and leaves their table.
J.D.: Yoooooooo! Check out these fries! That girl is so in to me.
Turk: Please, she's totally crushing on the brother.
Turk picks up the bottle of ketchup and tries to pour some out.
J.D.: Why, because you're black?
Turk tips the ketchup bottle up and peers inside to see why it's not pouring.
Turk: 'Kay, let's get one thing straight: This has nothing to do with me being black -- this has something to do with me being smooth, dawg---
Mid-statement, the ketchup is finally released, splattering all over Turk's face.
J.D. busts up laughing. Jenny looks a little disgusted when she returns to the table.
Jenny: Oh. Here's a towel.
She pushes her hip forward so he can grab the towel from her apron.
Jenny: And here are your shakes.
She sets their milkshakes in front of them.
J.D.: Thank you, Jenny. Hey, wait, Jenny. Uh, what flavor do you usually go for: Do you like chocolate or _vanilla_?
Jenny: [grinning at him] I'm a vanilla girl.
Jenny: [to Turk] I'll go get you some more towels.
She leaves again.
Turk: Go ahead and say it.
J.D.: [celebratory singing] "She got Jungle Fever! She got Jungle Fever!"
Street -- Night
Carla, Elliot, and Paul are leaving the bar.
Carla walks a little ahead of the others down the sidewalk.
Elliot: I had so much fun tonight. I hope I didn't talk about myself too much.
Paul: Hey, Elliot, I said I wanted to know everything about you; and...now I do.
Elliot laughs, a little embarrassed.
Paul: So, listen, I'd like to take you out tomorrow night. I don't want to seem like I'm rushing things, but---
She grabs him by the collar and pulls him into a big kiss.
Elliot: See you tomorrow.
She releases him and rushes ahead to Carla.
Elliot: [giddy] Oh my God!
Carla rolls her eyes.
Carla: I'm just not big on public displays of affection, that's all.
Elliot makes a face and mocks Carla's holier-than-thou tone.
Their attention is caught by a honking horn. Stopped in the middle of the street is J.D.'s car. Turk stands on top.
Turk: Hit it!
With a couple of sparklers, J.D. begins running circles around the car.
J.D.: Woo-hoo! [and some cheers in Spanish, I think]
Turk: [shouting] Carla Espinosa! Will you marry me?
Carla looks absolutely horrified.
Carla: Oh, my God....
Turk: [shouting to the city] Come on, citizens! Let me hear ya! Honk in the name of love!
All the cars lined up behind J.D.'s begin honking...though it's likely not for love.
J.D. races down the line of cars with his sparklers.
J.D.: Honk for love! Honk for love!
Amid the cacophony of honking, Elliot smiles at the display, but Carla's face shows an internal struggle: Die on the spot to save herself the embarrassment, or kill Turk? Decisions, decisions....
Hospital -- Admissions
J.D. is leant against the front desk, smiling to himself.
J.D.'s Narration: I've gotta say, life is pretty good. I've hit my stride as a doctor, all my patients are doing well, and I've finally figured out that, even though they're horribly uncomfortable, my medium scrubs have a large effect on the ladies.
As a female staffer passes, he hops up on the desk to better display his tight-fitting scrubs. She...doesn't notice.
J.D.'s Narration: Yep, everything is just great. I feel like, for the first time since I started here, I have no stories to tell.
Dr. Cox passes J.D., and the camera follows him out the front door. Suddenly the tone of the narration changes.
Dr. Cox's Narration: Sometimes you know it's gonna be a crappy day from the moment you wake up. Today was one of those days.
A Small Office
Dr. Cox sits in a chair across from another man. They stare each other down.
Dr. Cox's Narration: See, I have an appointment to see my shrink, and it feels like there's a little friction between us.
Cox's Shrink: You will _not_ beat me.
Dr. Cox: Listen, Doctor, while we're on me, just for a second, uh, my very pregnant ex-wife would like me to take a couple of days off and travel to her mother's house so that we can reconnect as a family.
Cox's Shrink: And I assume that you told her to blow it out her ass.
Dr. Cox: [grinning] You get me! Darn it, you do!
Cox's Shrink: Yes.... We're like two peas in a horrible, horrible pod.
Dr. Cox: Anyway, I have invited a couple of my friends over to the apartment while she's gonna to be gone -- we're gonna have some beers, watch the game, it's gonna be great -- and I was wondering if you---
Cox's Shrink: I'm not your friend!
Dr. Cox: They're not, either.
Cox's Shrink: So, how's your rage going lately?
***Flashback: The Hospital
Cox faces the camera, one scream echoing and fading into another.
Dr. Cox: Aggggghhhhhhh! Agggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh! Aggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Dr. Cox: Better!
Cox's Shrink: Okay, the next time you feel the anger welling up in your meaty chest---
Dr. Cox: Oh, give it to me.
Cox's Shrink: ...I want you to take a deep breath and count to ten before you react. Do you think you could do that, Perry?
Dr. Cox: For the record, I'm not a child. Okay?
Cut back to...
The Hospital -- I.C.U., Nurses' Station
Doug nervously approaches Dr. Cox.
Doug: Uh, Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox begins emanating a low, annoyed growl.
Doug: Um...I just wanted to tell you, uh.... W-w-what the thing is--is, uh....
Dr. Cox's Thoughts: One....Two....Ten.
Dr. Cox: Finish the sentence in the next two seconds or start running.
Doug freezes up and begins whimpering.
Dr. Cox: Oh, dear God, you're actually frozen with fear. All right, don't worry about a thing, I'm going to talk you through this. I want you to relax, take a big breath, and now...[whistles sharply] get out of here!! You go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go!
J.D. comes up to the Station.
J.D.: Morning, Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox's Thoughts: Gladys! Ginger! Tiffany! No, Cheryl! Betsy...Betsy! Mm! That's new!
Dr. Cox: Betsy, good morning. Let's make with the chop-chop.
They walk through the unit.
J.D.: You know, you already used Betsy, like, six months ago.
Dr. Cox: I don't care!
Dr. Cox's Thoughts: Dammit!
Dr. Kelso stops them.
Dr. Kelso: Perry! Hi, how are you, etcetera. The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy, and I need a physical.
Dr. Cox: Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn your head and cough is the day you can look for me up on the roof singing, "I Believe I Can Fly."
Dr. Kelso: Great stuff! See you about two-ish.
He walks off.
Dr. Cox: Uh.
J.D.: You should just do it.
Dr. Cox: Really?
J.D.: Well, it'd only take fifteen minutes of your life, and it wouldn't hurt to be in good with him for once.
Dr. Cox: You're giving me advice?
J.D.: Yeah. Feel free to return the favor.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Try this on for size: No matter where you go in life, always keep an eye out for Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient.
He leaves J.D. and continues down the hall.
J.D.: What's that supposed to mean?
Suddenly, an old man shoots from a doorway shouting "Who am I?!?" and knocks into J.D., throwing him to the floor.
A Patient's Room
Elliot is writing in a chart as Nurse Roberts speaks to one of her colleagues on the phone.
Nurse Roberts: [into phone] Mm-hmm. Well, just run one of the other nurses down here with some bedpans, please.
Nurse: [from phone] Laverne, why can't you do it?
Nurse Roberts: 'Cause I've been here for twenty-three years and my feet hurt, that's why.
Nurse: [from phone] Well, thanks a lot! After all I've done for you....
Nurse Roberts hangs up on the Nurse mid-bitch.
Elliot: Oh, Laverne, I am so excited about this doctor that I just met. He's nice...and humble.... I just hate it how so many doctors are so self-centered, you know?
Nurse Roberts: Mm. I know exactly what you mean, girl. Just yesterday, I was---
Elliot: [interrupting] Oh, and he's so cute, too!
Paul enters the room, decked out in pink scrubs and carrying a couple of bedpans.
Paul: Hey, fresh bedpans, here. Get 'em before they're hot.
He notices Elliot.
Paul: Dr. Reid!
Elliot: Hey! Uh, Nurse...um...Paul.
Paul: It's Paul Flowers, actually.
Paul: Yep. [to the patient] Up you go.
Stunned and mortified, Elliot watches him lift the patient's legs and place the bedpan.
Carla is sorting some charts. Turk stops by and leans on the counter.
Turk: Marry me.
Carla: Still thinking.
Turk: Okay. Baby, I have finally figured out what's bothering you, though.
Turk: Yep. You think I haven't played the field enough.
She laughs at him. Unfortunately, he's serious.
Turk: Well, I just want you to know that I have had a long, productive playing career, over which time I have slept with many, many women....
Turk: [off her reaction] And by "many, many women" I mean...three.
Turk: Take away two, equals one, and that's you. [laughs uncomfortably] Marry me?
She gives him a look.
Dr. Cox stands before a group of doctors.
Dr. Cox: All right, so here's the deal: I want to see all you guys at my place tonight -- even you, Zeltzer. Get there around 7:30, it's gonna be great; we're gonna have food, booze, the whole nine yards.
Dr. Zeltzer: Uh, will there be prostitutes?
Dr. Cox: Noo!
Dr. Zeltzer: Oh, uh, good.
Dr. Cox lingers outside Kelso's office.
Dr. Cox's Thoughts: It's just a physical. You can be cordial.
Dr. Cox: Whatta ya say, there, Bob. How 'bout we do just like you do with Enid -- close our eyes, pretend we're with someone else, and be done before Leno starts.
Dr. Kelso: Save the 'racket' for the tennis court, big guy. I have taken the liberty of filling out the form, all you have to do is sign right below where it says "Fit as a 26-year-old."
Dr. Cox: You're not suggesting that I rubber-stamp your insurance physical, are you, there, Bobbo?
Dr. Kelso: Just...sign the damn form!
Dr. Cox: Or...you could take your shirt off right now and be done with all this in the next five minutes. I am not going to make this uncomfortable for you, come on, I'm a professional.
Dr. Kelso: Okay.
He undoes his tie and begins unbuttoning his shirt.
Dr. Cox: [doing "The Stripper"] Buh-duh-na-duhhh...ooh!...ba-duh-duh-duhhh....da-bow!
Dr. Kelso freezes.
Dr. Cox: Had to be done, Bob. Continue, handsome.
J.D. steps on, where a very tall woman is strapped into some sort of immobilizing vertical rack.
J.D.: How's it going?
Patient: I just got my vertebrae fused.
J.D. stares at her a moment.
J.D.: I got nothing.
Outside the elevator, the Janitor struggles to scoop up some supplies in his arms.
Janitor: Hey! Hold that elevator!
J.D.: I'm pressing the button.... It's not working.
J.D. actually just taps at the panel _next to_ the button.
The door begins to close.
The Janitor rushes forth.
Janitor: Hold it! Hey! Hold it!
He dives to catch it, but he’s a second too slow. He crashes into the closed door.
He leaps to his feet and runs to the stairs, meeting the elevator as it opens on the next floor.
The immobilized woman is alone.
Janitor: Morning, ma'am.
Patient: I can't move my head.
Janitor: So what?
J.D. pokes his head out from behind her, where he had been hiding.
J.D.: Carol, I cannot thank you enough. [sniffs] Mmm...is that Ben-Gay?
Elliot sits at a table with Carla and J.D.
Carla: Come on, Elliot. So, Paul's a male nurse. You're a big enough person not to let that bother you, right?
Elliot: I'm dating a _murse_.
J.D.: Better than a 'mecretary.' Or a 'manicurist.' No, that works.
Elliot: It's no big deal -- you guys are the only ones who know.... And Nurse Roberts.
Carla and J.D. exchange a look.
Elliot: She's not _that_ much of a gossip. Is she?
J.D. laughs and Carla exclaims a hopefully assuring "No!"
***Surreal Scene: Nurse Roberts is running through at top speed, passing on some very important information to everyone she sees.
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul! Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul! Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul! Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul!!! Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul! Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul! Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul!
She does some pretty impressive gymnastic moves over wheelchairs and the like in order to spread the gossip as quickly as possible, finally collapsing against the desk of the Nurses' Station, where Dr. Cox stands, talking to his colleagues.
Dr. Cox: Ohhh, talking about thirty-six inches, and about 70 pounds. Plus he's twice as fast as the other guy.
Nurse Roberts: [out of breath] Dr. Reid...Nurse Paul...dating.
Dr. Cox: Giant "Who cares?"
Exhausted, she collapses on to the floor.
Dr. Cox continues speaking to the other doctors.
Dr. Cox: So, I'll see you fellas tonight, what, around 7:30? Don't be late, or you won't get a seat!
The group disperses. J.D. is revealed from behind them.
J.D.: I'll bring the Fluffer Nutters!
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I'd invite you, unfortunately it's guys only.
Dr. Kelso barks at Dr. Cox as he approaches from down the hall.
Dr. Kelso: You! And your damn physical! Thanks to the high blood pressure you found, my insurance premium is gonna cost me an extra six grand this year! That's six grand my wife already spent on a new chin! If I were you, I would be planning to work every holiday from now until a few months after you're dead!
In a huff, he leaves.
Dr. Cox turns to J.D....
Dr. Cox: Newbie, this is your fault!
Or...he turns to where J.D. _was_ standing.
He scans the area.
Dr. Cox's Thoughts: Where is he? Where is that little rat bastard?
The only person around is Carol, the immobilized woman from the elevator.
To check how clear the coast is, J.D. pokes his head over her shoulder.
J.D.: Ohh. Hey, pal!
Dr. Cox grunts as he stalks towards J.D.
J.D.: [to Carol] I'll always remember our time together. Gotta go!
Carla is on the couch, flipping channels on the TV.
Turk: Marry me.
Carla: Still thinking.
Turk pulls Todd into the room.
Turk: Baby, I figured it out. This is what you're afraid of: The typical surgeon -- a dumb, arrogant frat-boy whose behavior is so disgusting, it is embarrassing for a woman to be _seen_ with him.
Turk: [to Todd] No offense, buddy.
Todd: None taken. Hey, I gotta run. They're doing a breast reduction on three, and I want to get up there and try and stop it! You know what I'm talking about!
He holds his hand up.
Turk gives him the high five, and Todd exits.
Carla: It's not The Todd.
Turk: It's gotta be The Todd.
Carla: Turk, will you stop?
She gets up off the couch to face him.
Carla: Yes, I've never been a big fan of surgeons. And, yes, I worry about your maturity sometimes -- I'm a worrier, it's what I do. But you have _got_ to stop trying to pinpoint what the reason is.
Turk: 'Cause there's so many of them, right? I mean, you don't like who I am...you don't like what I do....
She softens at his sudden vulnerability.
Carla: Come on. I like the way I have to stand up on my tippy-toes to kiss you.
She reaches up and wraps her arms around his shoulders.
Turk: It's not enough.
He shrugs off her embrace and leaves.
Elliot is walking through. She's stopped by Todd.
Todd: Hey, Elliot, I heard you got your nursing degree in the 'male'...nurse! Wazzaaaaap.
She gives him a dirty look and continues on.
Up ahead, Dr. Zeltzer and another doctor spot her.
They avert their gaze.
Dr. Zeltzer: That's her. Don't look!
Further on, Dr. Kelso is leaning against the wall, reading a chart. He laughs to himself.
Dr. Kelso: [laughing] [coughs] Murse! [continues laughing]
All this abuse has Elliot totally frazzled. Lost in her misery, she fails to see Paul in front of her, and bashes right into him.
Paul: Whoa, Doctor! Hey, I'm not that type of gal.
Elliot: Shut up, Paul! You are a man! And I am a woman!
Paul: Elliot, are you okay?
Cox's Shrink's Office
Cox and his Doc are having another session.
Cox's Shrink: I got very drunk last night.... And I decided that I'm not giving up on you. So...how'd you do with my counting exercise?
Dr. Cox: Honestly, I tried it once and I thought it was stupid.
Cox's Shrink: That's it -- we're done.
Dr. Cox: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're dumping _me_?
Cox's Shrink: [sarcastic] I hope we can remain friends!
Dr. Cox: Oh, now, please don't take away the privilege of letting me pay you two hundred dollars an hour so that I can drag my ass in here and watch you nod. God knows the only other place I can get that on the planet is from my Brett Favre bobble-head doll.
The shrink stands and walks over to Perry, towering over him.
Cox's Shrink: Fine. You want to know what I really think? Your problem isn't that you make bad choices, it's that you identify the good choice and then intentionally do the opposite. You see, behind this boorish bravado of yours is a paralyzing fear of letting anyone into your life. And it isn't because you weren't _loved when you were a kid_, it's because you're so ego-centered that the love wasn't enough. So, you pulled pig-tails and you pushed the fat kids into the dirt so no one could ignore little Perry. Well "little Perry" is now forty years old. And you're so invested in this neurotic, narcissistic notion of yourself as "_loner_" that you can't quit. And you'll just keep dumping on everyone around you, until eventually -- and please, trust me on this -- there won't be anyone left.
Cox looks up at him, wide-eyed.
Dr. Cox's Narration: There's a million reasons a relationship can crash and burn....
He screws his face up into a bitter little twist and rubs his eyes.
Dr. Cox: [mocking] Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooooo.... Gimme a break.
He gets up and leaves.
Elliot stops Paul in the hall.
Dr. Cox's Narration: Whether it's because you don't have the stones to make it work...
Elliot: Sorry, I have to...um...cancel tonight.
She walks away at that, leaving him confused.
Nurses Station (?)
Turk comes up to Carla.
Dr. Cox's Narration: ...or, you just get sick and tired of jumping through hoops.
Turk: Okay, you win; all right, you don't have to worry about me asking you over and over anymore.
He walks away at that, leaving her hurt and confused.
Dr. Cox's Narration: Eventually, everyone bails.
Dr. Cox's Apartment
J.D. comes to the front door and knocks: knock, knock-knock, knock, knock...
Dr. Cox answers, the sound of sports blaring on the TV inside.
J.D.: "Two bits."
Dr. Cox: If it isn't my favorite career counselor. You wouldn't happen to have any more tips on how to climb _down_ the ladder, would ya?
J.D.: I've been doing some thinking, about how you're always blaming me for everything, and how you just send a constant stream of crap my way...and...I decided I need a break.
Dr. Cox: So, what'd you come by to tell me you're a complete wuss?
J.D.: No. I...came over here to tell you that I traded with another resident and switched off your service for a while.
Dr. Cox: Well, tears-&-hugs, there, Katie. But, unless you want to come inside, here, and give one of the fellas a lap-dance, I'm afraid I gotta say Sayonara, 'cause I got twenty guys in here and it's about to get nutty! All the best, baby.
He shuts the door on J.D. and goes back into the living room. There's plenty of pizzas around, but not a single other soul. Dr. Cox turns off the TV and jerks the baseball cap off his head. He gloomily walks to his bedroom, calling it a night.
Dr. Cox is standing at a patient's bed, lost in thought.
Dr. Cox's Narration: Turns out, last night got in my head. So, this morning, I swallowed my pride and asked Dr. Gross to take me back.
***Flashback: The Shrink's Office
Cox's Shrink: I have a hammer in my desk.
Dr. Cox's Narration: ...It...did not go well.
Doug approaches Dr. Cox.
Doug: Uh, Dr. Cox. I was the one who switched with J.D.
Dr. Cox: Nervous Guy.... How you feeling?
Doug: A little nervous.
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's okay. Don't worry about a thing, 'cause I'm gonna ease you in. Here's the deal: You have exactly eight seconds to find this patient's chart or you're through here.
Doug scurries around the area, frantically searching for the chart.
Doug: God! Chart? Chart? Anyone?
Nurse Roberts: [to Dr. Cox] You want me to look for it?
Doug: Did anyone see a chart?!
Dr. Cox holds the chart up to Laverne.
Dr. Cox: Nah, I got the chart right here.
Doug: [still looking] Agh! Chart!?!
Elliot and Carla are walking through.
Elliot: Cheer-up hug?
Elliot: Well, when I was little, and something made me sad, my mom would always have the maid give me a cheer-up hug.
Carla: Ahhh, further explaining your love of the Latino people.
Elliot: Carla, whenever you need to talk....
Midway through her sentence, she spots Paul in the hall, grabs him, and pulls him into the nearby supply closet.
Carla has failed to notice this, and continues walking. She takes Elliot up on her offer, and begins baring her soul.
Carla: You know, it's just that I don't think that Turk is being fair. He didn't get the answer that he wanted when he wanted it, so now he's pushing---
She finally notices she's talking to no one.
The Supply Closet
Paul: What do you want?
Elliot kisses him.
After a second, he pulls back.
Paul: Okay, wait, wait, wait. Now, are you kissing me because you actually want this to go somewhere, or because you feel bad about blowing me off yesterday?
Elliot takes a moment to answer, but is cut off before she can actually do so.
Paul: Actually, I don't care either way.
He grabs her and they begin making out.
J.D. and Turk are at their booth.
J.D.: I just had to bail on Cox for a while, you know? I mean, the guy sees a shrink every day, and he's still the biggest pain in my ass.
Turk: Is he in group?
***Fantasy Sequence: A Small Room
Soothing music plays in the background. Dr. Cox sits in a chair of several in a close circle. The others lean in as they share their advice with Dr. Cox.
Guy: Maybe it's not everybody else -- maybe it's you.
Guy 2: Yeah.
Guy 2: Good sharing.
Dr. Cox: I see your point.
He stands up and grabs his chair.
Woman: That's right.
Guy 2: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Cox bashes the "maybe it's you" guy over the head with his chair.
Dr. Cox: Anybody got anything else?
Woman 2: Yeah, I've got one.
He grabs the fallen guy's chair and lunges at the woman.
Dr. Cox: Come here!
J.D.: I don't think he'd do well in group. So, uh, what's up with Carla?
Turk: I'm starting to think that if she really loved me I'd know by now. Maybe it's time to retreat, protect myself, so I don't get hurt any worse. I really don't want to talk about it, though.
Jenny arrives with their food.
Jenny: Here you go, fellas.
Together: Thank you, Jenny.
Jenny: You're welcome!
She leaves again.
J.D.: Ahhh, eight strips of bacon! That girl is all _about_ the J.Dizzle.
Turk: Oh, yeah?
He tips his plate to display the little face drawn on his pancakes with the syrup and other condiments.
J.D.: Oh, my God, it's pancake man.
Turk: That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
Dr. Cox and Doug stand at the bed of a patient.
Dr. Cox: [to Doug] Keep it together, there, pee-pants. You now have six seconds to find that soda you were holding for me.
Doug whirls around and begins searching.
Doug: [whines] Has anyone seen a soda? Oh, for the love of God!
Dr. Cox takes a sip out of the can he was hiding from poor Doug.
Dr. Kelso comes up to him.
Dr. Cox: What is it, there, Bobbo.
Dr. Kelso: I'm sorry.
Dr. Cox takes a second to go over those words in his head.
Dr. Cox: What did you say?
Dr. Kelso: I spoke to my cardiologist, and he said if you hadn't caught my high blood-pressure, and it had continued unchecked, it, uh, might have resulted in a mild case of....death.
Dr. Cox's Thoughts: Must...fight urge...to rub it...in his face!
Dr. Kelso: Anyway, I owe you one.
Dr. Kelso gives Dr. Cox a small smile and leaves.
A look of anguish grows on Dr. Cox's face.
Dr. Cox's Thoughts: Must...rub something...in...someone's...face!!
He turns to the patient.
Dr. Cox: How's that coma going for ya, there, pal?
The pressure released, Cox's look of anguish turns to one of bliss.
Dr. Cox's Thoughts: Much better!
Elliot and Paul emerge from the Supply Closet.
Paul: I'll bet you never made out in there before.
Elliot cracks up laughing.
She straightens when she notices Paul's reaction.
Elliot: No, never!
She smiles and takes his hand.
Elliot: Come here.
Dr. Kelso comes down the hall towards them. Elliot moves back from Paul and pretends to be giving him an order.
Elliot: Nurse, I need...clean sheets right away to room one....thousand.
Dr. Kelso gives her a strange look.
Paul: Uh, she's covering because she's embarrassed that she likes a nurse. And I really can't figure out why.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's because you're doing a woman's job, son. Have a good one.
He continues down the hall.
Elliot: [to Paul] Great. Why did you do that?
Paul: You know, Elliot, what I do for a living, it doesn't make me feel like I'm any less of a man. Neither does my love of baking...or gardening...or the fact that I occasionally menstruate.
Paul: Elliot, lighten up. Stop worrying so much about what everybody else thinks.
He leaves her to think about that.
Dr. Gross is finishing a meal with an attractive woman. She gets up and leaves the table.
Cox's Shrink: Go ahead. I'll see you outside.
Dr. Cox zips in and occupies her empty seat.
Dr. Cox: Boy, I gotta say, your wife is hotter than I _ever_ imagined. ArrrrrrrrRRRRrrr...me-ow!
Cox's Shrink: Hello, Perry. You're obviously trying to bully me, but you can't bully me because I don't fear you. Now, I'm leaving.
Dr. Cox: Kelso asked me to give him a physical, I did it, he said "thank you" and told me he owed me one.
Cox's Shrink: You _actually_ made a decision that benefited your life personally and professionally?
Dr. Cox: Well, a resident kinda talked me into it.
Cox's Shrink: [skeptical] Yeah, come on, you're telling me that _you_ took the advice of another human being.
Dr. Cox nods.
The shrink is stunned.
Cox's Shrink: It's a great moment for me.
Dr. Cox: Congratulations.
Cox's Shrink: Thank you. And Perry, if there's someone in your life at that hell-hole of a hospital who you actually listen to, you should do everything in your power to keep them around. Because that person is nothing short of a genius.
J.D. singing and dancing as he waits for his floor.
J.D.: "Everybody was kung-fu fighting!" ["boop-boo-boo-boops" the music part] "Those cats were fast as lighten---"
Suddenly, the elevator cars halts.
J.D. picks up the emergency phone.
The line is answered by the Janitor, who is waiting in the maintenance room.
Janitor: Bat Cave.
J.D.: Hi, yeah, I'm stuck in the elevator?
Janitor: Yeah.... I'm afraid it might be a little while.
J.D.: Because you did this!
Janitor: Aw, now, I think we both know you did this to yourself. Well, I'll let you go.
He hangs up.
Carla: Hey, Laverne, have you seen Turk around?
Nurse Roberts: He's off today, Honey. How come you don't know that?
Carla: I don't know....
Elliot: Listen up everybody! I appreciate solidarity, but I did not blow off Paul because he's a nurse; so, please stop leaving bedpans in my locker -- it makes me cry. Paul and I are just...different, okay.
Carla: Please, Elliot, this is not about Paul.... This is about you! This is about you not being able to commit, because committing means saying goodbye to whatever unfulfilled fantasy of love you've concocted after seeing too many Meg Ryan movies. But men don't come and make everything all better -- they're only human. And you shouldn't punish him because you were forced to grow up so fast you never learned how to let someone else take care of you. He's not your father, okay, he's not necessarily gonna disappear at the first sign of trouble. And, as scary as it is to consider letting yourself be truly vulnerable with another human being, what's even scarier is that deep down inside you know you picked this man...and if you run away from him now, you'll be running away from being the kind of person you always wanted to be.
Elliot: Carla, I...just met the guy!
Bus Stop - Near Dusk
Turk is sitting on the bench by himself, about to eat a chili dog.
Turk: All right, here we go, baby; here we go.
Jenny walks up and sits beside him.
Jenny: Are you talking to your chili dog!?
Turk: What? Hey!
He laughs nervously.
Turk: Uh, yeah--well, I find that they don't repeat on me as much if I'm real friendly to 'em.
He looks at her.
Turk: Nothing, it's just--it's just weird seeing you out in the real world, you know, I feel kind of guilty. 'Cause you're so nice to me and my buddy, and we've never even had a real conversation. Instead, we act like school kids and argue over who we think you got a crush on.
Jenny: Oh, it's totally you.
Jenny: Vanilla over chocolate? Please.
J.D. sits on the floor, passing the time stuck in the elevator by playing with his stethoscope.
J.D.: In the event of a water landing....
Suddenly, a panel in the ceiling pops open. It's the Janitor.
Janitor: Yeahp. Incoming.
He drops down to the floor. J.D. stands.
Janitor: How you doing.
J.D.: Did you just climb down an elevator shaft to torment me?
Janitor: Well, sometimes in life you gotta do what you gotta do.
J.D.: Look, I promise you the "door open" button was not working.
Janitor: Mm-hmm. No, it's okay. We're gonna be able to work this thing out, seriously.
He gets out a roll of duct tape.
Janitor: Put your hands together like you're praying.
J.D. reluctantly does so, and the Janitor pulls out a strip of tape to start binding him. All of a sudden, the elevator door opens. It's Cox.
J.D.: Oh, hey, Dr. Cox! Good to see you!
The Janitor puts his tape away and looks innocent.
Dr. Cox's Thoughts: Oh, what the hell, he's a decent kid. Be a man and apologize to him, from the heart for once.
Dr. Cox: Oh, for God's sake, Lilly, stop being such a complete wuss and come back to work with me!
Dr. Cox: Good.
J.D. escapes the elevator, and the two walk down the hall together.
Dr. Cox's Thoughts: Oh, just give him a pat on the back -- he's been wanting it since day one.
He raises his hand...but hesitates.
Dr. Cox's Thoughts: Just do it!
With the eventual pat, J.D. smiles, and the narration is passed back to its rightful owner.
J.D.'s Narration: The second that Dr. Cox patted me on the shoulder, I thought about how he always shows up in the nick of time.
J.D. glances over at the Janitor holding up his roll of tape.
Janitor: Hey, I'll hang on to this!
J.D.'s Narration: I guess, in the end, everything comes down to timing.
Elliot is at a table, eating lunch.
Paul passes. She calls his attention.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes, you just have one moment to seize it.
Elliot: Paul. I know that I've been acting like an insecure idiot, but...if you'll forgive me, I'd love to take you for dinner tonight.
Paul: Screw that. I'll cook for you.
Paul: I've only got one apron, though; so, bring your own if you want to wear one.
He continues on to his table.
At the table next to Elliot's Dr. Kelso and his colleagues are eating, and have overheard this exchange.
Dr. Kelso: Hmmm!
Elliot: Oh, please. You all wish you could bag a nurse.
Dr. Zeltzer: [to Kelso] She's right.
Dr. Kelso: Shut up, Zeltzer!
Dr. Zeltzer: [under breath] You shut up.
J.D.'s Narration: And if your timing is good, and it works out for you, make sure you cherish it. Because bad timing can mess up everything.
The Bus Stop
Turk is finishing his chili dog in Jenny's company.
Jenny: You wanna grab a cup of coffee?
Turk: I don't know.... Uhhh....
Jenny: I'll let you talk to it before you drink it...?
Turk: Okay. I can get one cup of coffee.
Jenny: One cup?
Turk: One cup. Sure.
They get up and start to go. Turk's cell phone rings.
Turk: Oh, one second. Let me just answer this real quick.
He does so.
Turk: [into phone] Hello?
The voice on the other end is Carla's.
Carla: [from phone] Ask me again.
He pauses a moment, but doesn't answer her. He simply hangs up the phone and looks at Jenny. Finally, he speaks.
Turk: Uhh...sorry, but...I gotta go.
He abandons her there and runs down the street, picking up speed as he goes.
Old 97's "Question" begins to play.
Turk races to Miller Park, where Carla is sitting on a picnic table, waiting for him.
The song continues through this private moment. Turk takes out the ring and asks. Carla gestures to the ground, and he kneels. He asks again. She accepts. He slips the ring on her finger. He stands. They hug.
J.D. enters the scene with his sparklers, gleefully running circles around the table and the now betrothed couple.
The song fades with J.D.'s celebratory whooping.