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3x18 clowns

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "His Story II".

ActEdit


HALL -- MORNING J.D. comes in, carrying a stack of files so tall he can only just peek over the top to see where he's going.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Today's gonna be a great day. Still, no time to dilly-dally -- God, that's a fun phrase -- I have to meet Dr. Cox in five--

An attractive woman with an amazing rack passes.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Good God! Check out those dilly-dallies! That may be the future Mrs.--

He finally catches sight of the back of her, noticing she's just as stacked on the bottom as she is on top, and shudders with disgust.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, back to work. Because Dr. Cox has hand-selected me to help him on a research project.

He enters... ADMISSIONS Dr. Cox is at the front desk.

J.D.: Hey, research buddy!

Dr. Cox: We're four seconds in and I'm already regretting my decision.

J.D. slaps the bell on the desk.

J.D.: Things Jordan says during sex! Ha!

Dr. Cox: Are those the charts I wanted?

J.D.: Noooo. They're the charts you wanted, plus! patient history charts from the last ten years, which yours truly stayed up all night organizing not only chronologically but by severity of condition.

He goes to put the stack on top of the desk, but it becomes unbalanced in his attempt and the files spill all over the floor.

J.D.: There's a good chance I'm gonna kill someone.

Dr. Cox dings the bell.

Dr. Cox: Things you say when you talk to your patients.

J.D.: Clever.

He starts to bend over to pick up his files.

Dr. Cox: Ah, don't bother with that, Trish. You know, I've been getting my hair cut by my barber, Big Frank, for seventeen years now. Is it because his prices remained the same? No. Is it because I like the way his man-breasts feel gently resting on my shoulders when he does my sideburns? A little, yes. But, mainly, it's because, unlike you, he does just exactly what I tell him [flips hair] to do. You see, it's my way or the highway, and since you've already broken that dictum -- [claps and whistles] -- you're out!

He leaves.

J.D.: No, but wait!

J.D. goes to chase after him, slipping slightly on the scattered folders.

Continue to... HALL

J.D.: I already got my shifts covered for the next two days! Besides, where're you gonna find somebody else? You think Lonnie, my intern, gives a rat's ass about acute thomrobotic thrombocytopenic purpura?

Lonnie appears behind them.

Lonnie: ATTP? It killed my father.

Dr. Cox: You're in.

He continues on, leaving J.D. to stare daggers at his intern.

Lonnie: It is gonna be so amazing working on the disease that tore my family apart.

J.D.: Kiss ass.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I guess I could go home.... But there's plenty of important stuff I need to do around here.

Cut to... NURSES' STATION J.D. is sitting on the desk, eating jelly beans.

J.D.: Hey, Laverne. What'd you give me if I get this jelly bean into your cleavage?

Nurse Roberts is revealed to be wearing a new hairstyle (which no one bothers to comment on, so I have to do it) and a top that makes her cleavage very, well, jelly bean ready.

Nurse Roberts: A concussion.

Elliot arrives, in a very excited mood.

Elliot: Guys! Three long years of busting my hump at this place and it has finally paid off!

J.D.: You got the fellowship?

Elliot: No! I get to be the clown in Pediatrics!

Carla: Heeeey! That old clown was really good. So, uh, you got some really big shoes to fill!

She snickers, but everyone else just looks at her blankly.

Carla: Dammit, I'm funny!

She slams down her chart and walks off. J.D. takes the moment of distraction to make a try for it -- he flicks a jelly bean at Nurse Roberts, and hits his target.

J.D.: YES! He hits it at the buzzer!

Nurse Roberts: Oh, no he didn't.

She flies over to him, tossing him over the desk.

J.D.: Aaaagggghhhh!

Then climbs on top of the desk and body slams him.

Nurse Roberts: Haaaaah!

BACK TO REALITY

J.D. sits poised with his jelly bean...

J.D.'s Thoughts: Not worth it.

SceneEdit

TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT J.D. is on the couch, licking envelopes. Turk comes in from the kitchen and plunks down next to him.

J.D.: [lisping] Dude, my tongue is totally dry. How many more of these wedding invites do I have to lick?

Turk: Fine. Don't lick 'em.

J.D. drops the envelope he was working on and gets up off the couch.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Come on, don't get mad at Turk. What's really bugging me is that, thanks to Dr. Cox, I've got nothing to do...nothing to talk about...no stories to tell.

He gives Turk a mild slap upside the head as he passes. Suddenly, the narration switches.

Turk's Thoughts: From the moment I woke up this morning, I have been freaking out about getting married. Luckily, Carla's being cool.

Carla comes in.

Carla: Okay, this is your last chance to uninvite that slut you went out with in high school.

Turk: She's married to my brother!

Carla: Isn't that convenient.

She goes into the kitchen.

Turk's Thoughts: Thank God she thinks that hot chick, Tina, I invited is my cousin! Well guess what! There's no blood there, baby!

Carla: Oh, and by the way, don't think for a second that your "cousin" Tina's gonna be sitting at our table.

Turk's Thoughts: Oh, my God! She's in my head! It's okay.... Use it to your advantage....

He turns around and stares at her intently.

Turk's Thoughts: Make me a grilled cheese sandwich, woman!

Carla: Make it yourself.

Turk's Thoughts: Aaaaaaaaagggghhhh!

ActEdit

SceneEdit

STREET J.D. and Turk, a large bundle of envelopes in hand, approach a mailbox.

Turk: Thanks for driving me to work, man.

J.D.: You kidding? I wanted to see the mailing of the invites! Once you drop those suckers in, there's no turning back! I'm just mad I forgot my camera.... Or did I?

He bobs his head, spinning the camera hung around his neck to the front, and readies it to photograph the big moment.

J.D.: Ha! Say goodbye to being single!

Turk cautiously opens the slot...

FANTASY: He jumps back when he sees Carla peering out from inside.

Turk: WHAOA!

Carla: It's okay, sweetie, just drop them in here.

Turk: I don' wanna.

Carla: If you're nervous, come here and I'll tell you a secret that'll make you feel better.

He eyes her nervously, but creeps closer.

Carla: [whispering] Come here. Come here.

When he's near enough, she reaches out and snatches him by the collar, causing him to shriek with panic.

Carla: Give me those invitations! Give them to me! Give them to me!!

BACK TO REALITY

Turk, still clutching the invitations, continues staring at the mailbox like it's a serpent poised to strike.

SceneEdit

HOSPITAL HALL -- A BIT LATER Elliot is talking on the payphone.

Elliot: [on phone] Sean, I'm just bummed that I'm so busy I might not be able to do this clown thing today. I know I'm a doctor first, but what about that summer I spent at clown academy? I mean, it's starting to seem like that was just a giant waste of time. I wish you were here. I can't believe you've been in New Zealand for 5 months.

Meanwhile... NEW ZEALAND Sean sits in the dark of his bedroom on the phone with Elliot.

Sean: [on phone] I can't believe you still haven't figured out the time difference. It's 4 A.M. here!

Elliot: [on phone] I'm sorry.... It's just I miss talking to you...I miss seeing you...I even miss that weird way you sleep with your eyes open.

Sean stares blankly ahead. He drops the phone as he starts snoring.

Elliot: [on phone] Sean? Sean!

Turk enters, taking a good look at Elliot as he passes.

Turk's Thoughts: Daaaamn, Elliot's got a nice ass for a white chick! Stop it! Just 'cause you're panicked about getting married doesn't mean you have to reduce every woman to her physical attributes.

He notices Dr. Miller approaching, pushing a young patient in a wheelchair.

Turk's Thoughts: Oh, great, my new scary boss and her amazing chest, butt, feet.... I love feet.

Dr. Miller: Dr. Turk! This is Bryan. You'll be assisting me on his tumor debulking this afternoon.

Turk: Wussuuuuuuuup, Bry-Bry! You, my friend, have just won the lottery. I'm not saying I'm good, but if there was a surgeon awards show around here, it'd be called The Turkies. You know what I'm sayin'?

Dr. Cox has shown up during part of this, and of course pipes up.

Dr. Cox: You don't have to know what he's sayin' -- none of us do.

Dr. Miller: [to Turk] Mmmm....may I have a quick moment?

Turk nods.

Dr. Miller: [to Bryan] Mm, excuse us.

Dr. Miller leads Turk a few feet off from the patient, but still within Dr. Cox's hearing.

Turk's Thoughts: What now, you mean witch?

Dr. Miller: I'm sorry, but if you act like a cartoon character in front of one of our patients again, I'm gonna spend the next ten years introducing you as the guy who sponges off my forehead. Okay, we're done.

She turns back to the patient with a cheerful grin.

Dr. Miller: Bryan! Dr. Turk is gonna take you back to your room.

Turk takes up pushing Bryan down the hall.

Dr. Cox: [to Dr. Miller] That was...that was glorious.

Dr. Miller: Okay.

Continue to... HALL Turk pushes Bryan back to his room.

Turk: You didn't mind that cocky stuff, did ya?

Bryan: Noooo. I love "Bry-Bry". Never had a nickname before.

Turk: Well, lemme tell you something -- there's plenty more where that came from, Killer B!

SceneEdit

NURSES' STATION Elliot arrives, noticing J.D. wearing biking gear.

Elliot: What are you doing here? I thought you had like two days off?

J.D.: Had to pick up a mouth guard from oral surgery. Some of the kids at the park said I couldn't jump Jones Creek on my bicycle; so now I gotta give 'em the 4-1-1 on my mad daredevilin' skills!

Elliot: Meanwhile, back in adult world.... I was just given twelve new admits and now there's no way that I can be a clown for the kids today!

She heads towards the open doorway of one of her new patients, whom J.D. catches a glimpse of -- the young, hot Mrs. Bell, who sits patiently in her bed, bathed in the golden sunlight which streams through her window, her chestnut curls falling softly over her ample chest.

J.D. follows after.

J.D.: Ooh, you know, if it helps, I could--I could examine her...for you. Elliot, please!

She zips in and closes the door on him.

J.D.: [from other side] Ow! It hurt through my helmet!

Elliot turns to the patient, who, though still hot, has at least taken on a more mortal appearance. Or maybe the sun just changed position. Whatever.

Elliot: Heh. Mrs. Bell, your EKG showed a slight irregularity, but nothing too serious.

Mrs. Bell: Maybe when my husband hears that he'll stop worrying, go home and get some rest.

Mr. Bell, not the slightest bit ethereal in appearance, enters.

Mr. Bell: Hey, honey?

Elliot: Oh, and this must be your hobbit!-- I mean husband! Of course. Heh. I rented 'Lord of the Rings' last night, so.... I would do Frodo. ...He's short...too. Heh.

SceneEdit

CAFETERIA Dr. Miller is having lunch at a table by herself. That is until Dr. Kelso takes a seat next to her, all smiles.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Miller! I am attending a hospital administrator's luncheon this afternoon. I would love for you to join me.

Dr. Cox, overhearing this, takes up the seat across the table.

Dr. Cox: Not so fast, there, Bob. You forgot to affix the warning label to your forehead. You know, the one that reads "Exposure to Bob Kelso can be hazardous to your health" thus affording the reader a fighting chance to escape the waste and contamination that is...Bob Kelso.

Dr. Kelso: Gosh, darn it, Perry, you are entertaining. You know, like Howie Mandel or a monkey in a funny hat.

From their table over by the window, Todd draws Turk's attention to what's going on.

Todd: Check out Cox and Kelso fighting over Dr. New Girl!

FANTASY: Drs. Cox and Kelso stand on either side of Dr. Miller, pulling her by the arms.

Dr. Kelso: No, she's coming with me!

Dr. Cox: I want her.

Dr. Kelso: Too late for you.

Dr. Cox: She's mine!

They pull and pull on the poor bored woman, until her arms rip off and blood spills out. No bother, this is actually an advantage to the squabbling men, as now they have weapons -- they beat each other over the head with Miller's arms.

BACK TO REALITY

Turk stares at the heated discussion at the other table, still sort of spaced out.

Turk: She'll have to get one of those cars you drive with your feet!

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Miller, I hope to see you later.

He leaves. Dr. Cox turns to Dr. Miller.

Dr. Cox: Look, I like you...so here's some advice: Never, ever do anything with Bob Kelso. Don't talk to him, don't look at him, don't even associate with guys his age on the outside chance that they just shared a steam together in that never ending Klan meeting that they call a "country club"; right? He is...pure evil.

Dr. Miller: I'll remember that. Not the crazy "where the hell is he going with this?" ranting, but you know, the gist -- the Bob Kelso-bad part.

She gets up from the table and leaves.

Dr. Cox: Fair enough.

SceneEdit

BRYAN'S ROOM Carla is there treating him as Turk enters.

Turk: Nurse Espinosa, would you mind getting me some sugar, stat.

Carla: Why, yes, Doctor.

She cuddles up to him and they share a long kiss.

Carla: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Finally they break and smile at Bryan, who stares wide-eyed in disbelief.

Bryan: Wow! This hospital rocks! Did you two just meet?

Turk: No. We're getting married.

Carla: Yep! The invitations went out today!

She heads out, smiling.

Turk: Yes! You know they did, baby! Invitations went out _today_!

Once she's cleared the room, Turk turns back to Bryan.

Turk: [frustrated] No, they didn't!

Bryan: I could never get a girl like that.

Turk: Why?

Bryan: Well, girls don't usually go for the piano-playing power geek.

Turk: Are you a good pianist?

Turk's Thoughts: "Pianist"! Heeheehee!

Bryan: Yeah, I got a scholarship to Juilliard.

Turk: Bry-Bry! You're in the money! Girl's love the artsy type -- you'll be getting more tail than you know what to do with.

Bryan: Ohhh, okay.

Turk: "Tail" is sex, Bryan.

Bryan: Ohhh! Awesome!

SceneEdit

NURSES' STATION Carla is treating one of J.D.'s several scratches.

J.D.: Ow!

Carla: Okay, okay, okay. So how far over the Creek did you make it?

J.D.: I don't know the exact distance in terms of feet and inches, but in laymen's terms, I would have to say...about halfway.

Dr. Cox arrives.

Dr. Cox: Never stop peddling, Annie. You are a shoo-in for the Little Girl X-Games.

Dr. Miller, dressed rather nicely, arrives.

Dr. Miller: Has anyone seen Dr. Kelso? We're supposed to leave for that luncheon.

She takes up a chart and starts reading.

Dr. Cox: Oh, that's strange. Because I remember having a conversation with you about this very subject -- never do anything with him, pure evil -- ringing any bells?

Dr. Miller: [still reading] Just the one in my head that goes off when I'm incredibly bored.

Dr. Kelso, nicely dressed, arrives.

Dr. Kelso: Wow! Perry, people usually don't stop caring about what you have to say 'til after they've been here a few months! Oh, no he didn't!

Pleased with himself, Dr. Kelso leads Dr. Miller off.

Dr. Kelso: [to Miller] That's the correct use of that phrase, right?

Dr. Miller: I don't know, sir.

Dr. Cox bitterly turns, to see J.D. and Carla snickering at him.

J.D.: Ow!

Dr. Cox: [walking off] Ah, ba da ba.

J.D.: Owwww.

J.D. &: "Oh, no he didn't!" [giggle] Carla

SceneEdit

MRS. BELL'S ROOM Mr. And Mrs. Bell are sharing a private moment -- kissing, canoodling, mmming and aaahing -- right in front of Elliot, who watches with disgust and slight confusion.

Finally, they turn to look at her, and she pastes on a charmed smile.

Elliot: Awwwwwwwwww!

Mr. Bell leaves Elliot to take care of his wife.

Elliot: Ummm.... Mrs. Bell, uh--

Mrs. Bell: How'd I end up with him?

Elliot: Yes.

She sits on the edge of the woman's bed.

Elliot: See, I've got this boyfriend, except he's all the way in New Zealand and...well...how did you know that Mr. Bell was the right guy for you?

Mrs. Bell: Kurt was the one that was always there for me. And at the end of the day, that's who you want -- the guy who shows up when you need him, without having to ask.

Meanwhile... PEDIATRICS J.D. has stepped in for Elliot as clown.

J.D.: Dr. Reid couldn't be here today, children, so I'm here in her place.

Kid: Why're your pants so tight? Clowns have baggy pants!

J.D.: Well, Brad, I'm the type of clown that likes to wear tight pants.

Kid: But the other clown has baggy pants!

J.D.: What other clown?

He looks over to see the Janitor, also done up as a clown (also for Elliot?).

Janitor: Hello, old friend.

J.D.: [hissing to self] Janitor!

SceneEdit

O.R. Dr. Miller watches carefully as Turk operates.

Turk's Thoughts: Man, the way Dr. Miller stares makes me all itchy. What can I say to let her know I'm in control?

Turk: Have you ever slept with a black man?

Dr. Miller: Just finish the procedure please.

Turk's Thoughts: That's a yes! And now her mind will drift back to that wonderful day. Wait for it....

Finally, Dr. Miller glances away.

Turk's Thoughts: ...And there it is.

Turk: Dr. Miller, please, feel free to drift off. [he looks closer at his work] Although there is a lot of bleeding.

She inspects the area and jumps in with her instrument.

Dr. Miller: You lacerated the brachial artery. Move out of the way!

He moves back to let her work.

Cut to... SCRUB ROOM -- LATER Dr. Miller and Turk are washing up.

Dr. Miller: Look, you made a mistake. Every one of us has made a mistake. You should consider yourself lucky -- instead of losing his arm he'll just have some nerve damage and limited use of his right hand. It could have been a lot worse. If you want I'll even tell him for you.

Turk: He's a concert pianist.

Dr. Miller: Oh. You tell him.

She leaves, and Turk hangs his head.

ActEdit

SceneEdit

HALL Turk approaches Bryan's door.

Turk's Thoughts: Okay, just go in there and get it over with.

He enters... BRYAN'S ROOM Bryan is awake, testing his hand.

Turk: Heeeey! Bry-Bry! What's the happie-haps!

Bryan: My hand is feeling really weird.

Turk: Ummm, about that....

Turk's Thoughts: "I made a mistake"! Just say it! I made a mistake!

Turk: I'm not really too sure on the specifics, but uh...apparently there were some complications.

Turk's Thoughts: Ah, ya big chicken.

SceneEdit

HALL Dr. Miller is walking through. Dr. Cox catches up with her.

Dr. Cox: Well, now, you are looking slim. Are those new scrubs? Or is it the fact you no longer have a soul?

Dr. Miller: What's your problem?

Dr. Cox: Come on, the only reason Kelso wanted you at that dinner is because he knows standing next to a pretty doctor will get his picture in all the medical journals. Assuming his image actually shows up in photographs.

Flash to... CAFETERIA Dr. Miller and Dr. Kelso are in line.

Dr. Kelso: So what? Publicity is good for the hospital. Plus, pictures of us together lend credence to the rumors that you and I are having a fling.

She shoots him a look.

Dr. Kelso: I'm joking! There are no rumors.

Dr. Mickhead passes, appraising Dr. Miller and raising his eyebrows at Dr. Kelso who nods surreptitiously.

Dr. Kelso: The point is, Cox just wants you on his side, and until that happens he's gonna be all over you.

Flash to... O.R. Dr. Cox sneaks in as Dr. Miller is operating.

Dr. Cox: Fine, maybe he's right.

Dr. Miller: Please get out of here.

Dr. Cox: Look, you're in with Kelso now, but trust me, he will turn on you the minute you say no to him on anything.

Flash to... NURSES' STATION Dr. Miller has business here. Dr. Kelso approaches.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Miller! Would you care to accompany me to the proctology dinner tonight?

A chair behind the desk spins around to reveal Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox: Yeah! Wouldja!?

Dr. Miller: Heh. I don't know yet.

She walks off.

SceneEdit

PEDIATRICS J.D. and The Janitor are sharing the clown job. It's balloon animal time, and J.D. holds up his untwisted balloon.

J.D.: Okay, kids, I've never made balloon animals before, but raise your hand if you like your eels!

They all stare at him, each holding a long, untwisted balloon.

Janitor: [quiet] You're a horrible clown.

J.D.: [quiet] Save it for the post-show, Lurch.

The Janitor shoves J.D., throwing him to the ground, and does a silly dance. The kids laugh. J.D. struggles to his feet.

J.D.: I think what Angry, Disturbed Clown is trying to teach us is that it's never funny to push!

The Janitor pushes J.D. again, and the kids laugh even louder. Lonnie The Intern arrives.

Lonnie: Dr. Dorian?

J.D. gets to his feet and wades through the kids to speak to him.

J.D.: Okay, let's take a little break, kids. Duck, Duck, Eel.

Lonnie: Mr. Millican just died, and his family needs to be notified. Since I'm still kind of new at this, I was hoping you could do it.

J.D.: So you steal my research project and now you want me to do your dirty work?

Lonnie: Dr. Cox told me if you said that to say, "That's right, Melinda."

SceneEdit

HALL Turk walks through. Carla catches up with him.

Carla: Hey.

Turk: Hey.

They put their arms around each other as they walk.

Carla: How you doing?

Turk: Babe, I've never screwed up a kid's life before. I mean, I've had minor slip-ups, and that watch you gave me for Christmas might still be inside Mr. Conte, but...nothing like this.

Carla: That watch is inside Mr. Conte? Well, thank God! All this time I thought you didn't like it!

He gives her a look.

Carla: But we're talking about you. And you, honey, you did a courageous thing. You took responsibility for your actions. Right?

Turk's Thoughts: No, I didn't.

Turk: Yes I did.

Carla: You're just upset because it's never easy to give someone bad news.

Meanwhile... ADMISSIONS(?) J.D., still dressed in his clown costume, faces Mr. Millican's family.

J.D.: Unfortunately your grandfather's bowel burst, causing a severe sepsis. We were unable to save him. I'm so sorry.

At that moment, J.D.'s silly bow-tie unfortunately starts spinning. He slaps his hand over it.

J.D.: Again, I'm...I'm very sorry.

They leave just as Elliot arrives.

Elliot: J.D., what are you doing?

J.D.: Oh, just breaking some bad news...circus style.

Elliot: [touched] You were a clown for me?

J.D. opens his mouth to answer, and is shot in the face and neck with seltzer water.

He gurgles in surprise and protest. The Janitor, also still dressed as a clown, puts down the seltzer bottle.

Janitor: Break's over, Binky.

J.D.: [to Elliot] The show must go on.

Meanwhile... HOSPITAL EXTERIOR -- WHEELCHAIR RAMP Turk heads out on his way home.

Turk's Thoughts: So I didn't tell him.... It's not like it would change anything.

Carla calls to him.

Carla: Christopher!

Turk turns around, surprised.

Turk: "Christopher"? You only call me Christopher when you're mad...or when we're having sex. Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?

Carla: Sometimes.

She waves him back.

Carla: Come. Let's take a walk.

He comes back in, following her lead through the hall.

Turk's Thoughts: Oh, this is bad. Okay, what did I do? Think. I accidentally got her a present on my ex-girlfriend's birthday. I referred to that new cute nurse as a young Carla Espinosa -- damn, that was stupid. I've been known to leave my toenail clippings on her throw pillow. Oh, and I forgot to put the toilet seat down last night and she bruised her butt! Wow, why is she marrying me? Marrying me! Oh, God! She knows I haven't mailed the invites!

By the time he's run through that list, they're standing in front of a closed door.

Carla: I thought you might want to talk to Bryan before you went home.

Turk: How'd you know?

Carla: Who you talkin' to?

She opens the door for him.

Carla: Get in there.

Turk: Okay.

He goes in.

Turk: Bryan. Uh.... Look, I got a confession to make, man.

The rest of the conversation is left in private as she closes the door with a proud smile.

SceneEdit

NURSES' STATION Dr. Cox is there. Dr. Miller, dressed in a sexy little dress, arrives and goes over a chart. Dr. Kelso, very nicely dressed, also arrives.

Dr. Kelso: Ahh, there's my dinner buddy! Shall we head out?

Dr. Miller: Oh, no, no, no. I'm not going. I have a date. And even if I didn't, I don't think I'd want to go to a snooze-fest with a bunch of drunk proctologists just so you could get your picture in the latest edition of Bend Over Weekly.

Dr. Kelso: A simple "I'm busy" would have sufficed.

She heads off.

Dr. Cox: Big boys don't cry, there, Bobbo.

He chases after Dr. Miller, and walks along with her, grinning smugly.

Dr. Miller: Why are you smiling?

Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know, I guess I'm just glad you wound up in my camp.

She stops and faces him.

Dr. Miller: Yeah, I'm an adult, I don't actually go to camp. Listen, if Dr. Kelso had asked me to go somewhere that I thought was actually good for my career, I'd be gone so fast you'd be left here staring at an imaginary woman's chest while she was trying to make a point.

Dr. Cox: I'm--I'm sorry, you're right, it's my fault. That dress just screams "respect me as a doctor." Heh.

Dr. Miller: You try and paint Dr. Kelso as this jackass who turns on people who don't do his bidding, when you were ready to write me off just for having lunch. So honestly? How are you any different?

Dr. Cox: I'm taller than he is?

Dr. Miller: Hmm. Feel free to watch me leave.

She tuns and walks off, and Dr. Cox takes her up on her offer.

Meanwhile... STREET -- MAILBOX Turk holds the bundle of invitations.

Turk's Thoughts: It's weird. Just by the simple act of pushing me to do the right thing, I remembered why Carla's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

He drops the bundle into the slot.

Turk's Thoughts: End of story.

J.D. comes around.

J.D.: You did it!

He gives Turk a congratulatory hug, giving him a little slap on the back of the head.

They walk together to the car.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, man, what a long day.

Cut to... TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT -- LATER J.D. is on the couch with Elliot in front of the TV, each with a bottle of beer.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Still, any day can be salvaged by drinking a few cold ones with a good friend.

They clink their bottles and take a sip as the sounds of an action movie come up from the TV.

J.D.: Awesome. 'Judge Dredd' is starting.

Elliot: Mm.

They turn their attention, but Elliot notices something on the side of J.D.'s face.

Elliot: [laughing] You still have a little clown makeup on you!

J.D.: Elliot, The Judge, please.

Elliot: Fine, I'll get it.

She licks her thumb and rubs his face clean, lingering to run her fingers through his hair. He dips away, still staring at the TV.

J.D.'s Thoughts: What the hell is she doing? It's The Judge!

She persists, and finally he looks at her.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh.

Rhett Miller's "Our Love" comes up as J.D. and Elliot collapse on his bed, kissing and clawing at each other's clothes. J.D. struggles with her bra.

J.D.: I can't find the clasp.

Elliot: What?

J.D.: The clasp! The clasp!

Elliot: I switched to frontsies!

J.D.'s Thoughts: Naughty!

She sits up, straddling him, and unzips her top.

Elliot: Position One, Two, or Three?

J.D.: We only had two.

Elliot: Oh, yeah. Well, I have something to show you later.

She unclasps her bra and falls back into his arms. They resume rolling around and kissing.

J.D.'s Narration: It's a mystery how one woman can drive you crazy over and over again.

Meanwhile... HOSPITAL EXTERIOR Dr. Cox watches from the wheelchair ramp as Dr. Miller hops in the car with her date.

J.D.'s Narration: While another can bring you right back down to earth.

Meanwhile... BAR Turk and Carla are playing pool.

J.D.'s Narration: In the end, you have to trust that the perfect woman will always lead you in the right direction.

Carla leans in close as Turk readies his shot.

Carla: So did you ever get the guts to mail the invitations?

The cue-stick slips in his fingers, and he knocks the ball right off the table, shouting in surprise.

Meanwhile... TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT J.D. and Elliot get back into their clothes.

J.D.: Look, Elliot, I don't want to jinx this, but, how did that just happen?

Elliot: You were a clown for me. You were there when I needed you without me even having to ask.

She leans in to give him another kiss, but they are interrupted by a knock at the door and Sean very impolitely sticking his head in. They turn to him in shock.

J.D.: Sean? & Elliot: Sean!?

Elliot rushes over.

Elliot: Oh, my God! When did you get back from New Zealand?

Sean: Something in your voice told me that you needed me. So I just...I decided to show up, even though you didn't even ask.

Elliot: Ohhh, Sean....

They giggle and he gathers Elliot up in his arms and carries her out. He then carries her back briefly to acknowledge the very stunned, very hurt J.D.

Sean: Good to see ya, J.D.

He carries her off again.

Sean: [from down the hall] Hey! You switched to frontsies!

The song fades.

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