|Starring - J.D., Turk, numerous nurses|
|Composed by - Fordham, Marx, and Lopez|
J.D.: Hey, Ms. Miller -- we just need a stool sample
Patti: Why do you need a stool sample if you think I'm just a nut?
Turk & JD: 'Cause the answer's not in your head, my dear -- it's in your butt!
J.D.: You see.... Everything comes down to poo! From the top of your head, to the sole of your shoe We can figure out what's wrong with you by lookin' at your poo! Turk?
Turk: Do you have a hemorrhoid or is it rectal cancer? When you flush your dookie down, you flush away the answer!
J.D.: It doesn't really matter if it's hard or if it's loose We'll figure out what's ailing you, as long as it's a deuce! Yes! Everything comes down to poo!
Nurses: Everything comes down to poo!
J.D.: Cardiovascular and lymphatic, yes, the nervous system, too! All across the nation, we trust in defecation! Everything comes down to poo!
Turk: If you want to know what's wrong, don't sit and act so cool Just be a man and eat some bran, and drop the kids off at the pool!
Robed Woman (spoken): My stomach hurts J.D.: Check the poo
Limping Woman (spoken): I sprained my ankle Turk: Check the poo!
Bloody Shoulder Guy (spoken): I was shot! J.D.: Check the poo!
Lloyd (spoken): A homeless guy threw poo in my eye!
Turk: Check the poo!
Lloyd (spoken): Mine or his?
J.D.: First him, then you!
It may sound gross, you may say "shush!"
J.D. & Turk: But we need to see what comes out of your tush! Because!
All: Everything comes down to poo! Whether it's a tumor or a touch of the flu!
J.D. & Turk: Please, won't you pinch us off a big, fat clue!
Turk: Our number one test is your Number Two!
All: If there's no breeze, light a match please! Everything comes down to --
J.D.: Doo-doo! Turk: Doo-doo! J.D.: Doo-doo! Turk: Doo-doo!
All: Everything comes down to ... poo!
- The inspiration for the song came when one of the show's medical advisors, Jonathan Doris, shared his observation with Fordham that stool samples seemed to be asked for at hospitals no matter what was being diagnosed.
- The number was the latter of two music videos released by NBC on YouTube in advance of the episode's airdate — the other video being “Guy Love.”The videos have since been removed from YouTube.
- The song's lyrics underwent many changes, in order to find the right level of vulgarity. The initial version was much more “genteel,” while later versions included references to ‘turtleheads’ and other slang for feces; as was the line “It may sound gross, it may sound crass, but we need to see what comes out of your ass”; which was changed to “It may sound gross, you might say shush, but we need to see what comes out of your tush.”